Some Thoughts on Father's Day

I have always had mixed emotions when it comes to Father’s Day. Now, after many years of life, I’ve seen a lot more evidence that it’s a touch and go holiday, and should, in my opinion, be not only a celebration of fathers – because many are worthy of that celebration – but also a wake-up call for those who aren’t – and for those who have lived with them.

My father left when I was three. Went out “to get ice-cream” and never came back. My stepfather was an alcoholic who never cared about my brother and I even a tiny bit. His mother, who we thought was a nice lady, turned out to be a hateful old witch who never wanted anything to do with us, but faked it well. The only good example we had growing up of a father was my grandfather on my mother’s side. We did visit our birth dad, but his wife always resented our existence, and neither of us had the slightest thing in common with him. All the way to the end, there was a huge separation there.

Growing up, there were a lot of friends whose homes you didn’t or weren’t allowed to visit (mine was probably one of them) because there was no way to know how the father would react, or there was a veil in place to prevent anyone from seeing how dad would act, or discipline, or creep.

The years for me have added how the fathers of LGBTQ children, trans children, children with disabilities, children who did not follow narrow religious beliefs, have found their first horrible life experience to be surviving at home, and more often than not, the central focus of all that was wrong stemmed from fathers.

For myself, I know I could have been a better father. In my defense, we were under a lot of stress. My two boys lived with their mother after we divorced. There are so many things involved in all of that that no one needs to know about, but suffice it to say, it was bad for everyone involved. And during that time I was supporting five kids (big child support payment), commuting probably an hour and a half either way every day, trying to balance all of that with some time writing, with the family, working on the old house we bought – and only seeing my boys on some weekends.

I’m not going to lay out my life here, but I am going to say that I understand there were times when I was not the world’s best father (or even in the running). I can say that I tried. I went without a lot so that we could give all of them things, but we were barely scraping by back then, holding payment on one thing to make sure another didn’t get shut off. The teenage years were hard on all four of the older kids. Also hard on both parents trying to hold it all together. It held.

I’m proud of all our kids, proud of the people they’ve become, and the things they’ve accomplished. I honestly don’t know how they feel about me on deep levels, or how they talk about me as a father if I’m not there. That’s for the best, probably.

It’s important to me that when this day comes around once a year, they all show up… or connect online. They give me things to make me smile, and they don’t know that just the fact they are there is the present I needed.

Happy Father’s Day to all who celebrate. Make it a thoughtful day, as well as a fun one. Think about those for whom it’s not now and never has been a holiday… for those of you who don’t have a reason to celebrate, know that at least one father out here is thinking about that, and listening.

As a parting shot… of my books, JURASSIC ARK is one I think gives some unique perspective on how a father learns to be closer with his children.